we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
