you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
