I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
