I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
