please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
