anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
