soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
