if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
