it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
