so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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