I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
