Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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