so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
