P.S. I can't hear my feet
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
