New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
