We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
