I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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