hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
