did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
