Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
