Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
