This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
