He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
no you cant smoke seaweed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
