"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
