You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
