WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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