six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
