Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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