I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
