yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're my little dorito
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
