Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
