I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
