Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
