Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
