Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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