drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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