Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How external is "for external use only"?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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