OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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