my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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