whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this beer tastes like vomit already
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
