There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
