you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
