she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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