Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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