ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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