Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
