i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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