Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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