I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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