I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
