How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize