I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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