Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
