i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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