I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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