I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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